‘It’s not that I’m afraid. Really’

Picture: Mark Hanrahan Source: Twitter

A CYCLONE sandwich. Hep A berries. We'll admit — there was a lot that wasn't palatable about the week just gone. But thankfully, we have Charles Firth to help us digest it ... in the only way The Chaser knows how.

'It's not that I'm afraid or anything'

A WEATHER reporter based in Queensland's Hervey Bay has cast doubt on claims by his producer that it is "absolutely necessary" he should go outside for his live crosses covering Tropical Cyclone Marcia.

The comments come after the producer instructed the reporter to "find a really windy spot" with "lots of waves lapping against the shoreline" and stand right next to it.

"It's not that I'm afraid or anything," said the weather reporter. "I'm mean, I'd do it if I thought it was going to add anything. But people don't want me to risk my life just to see a few extra rain drops."

The reporter's camera operator backed the claims, saying that though he was completely prepared to do it, he would "probably be able to get a better angle" if they stayed inside and filed reports from behind a solid concrete retaining wall. "It'll look great. People like to see solid walls during live crosses about cyclones."

Speaking from his cosy, dry desk in Sydney, the producer justified his instructions, saying it was only out of a need for "meteorological accuracy" that the reporter needed to put himself directly in the line of destructive winds with gusts of up to 295km/h.

Presumed office of TV executives. Source: Supplied

Meanwhile, Campbell Newman has labelled the cyclone as the "first major stuff-up" of the new Labor Government. Speaking to his wife in the kitchen, he claimed "the cyclone wouldn't have happened under my administration".

Anti-vaccine campaigner 'a bit conflicted' about hep A smoothies she served at last meeting

A leading anti-vaccination campaigner has admitted she is a little conflicted about the mixed berry smoothies she served at her last meeting.

The smoothies were made using an inordinately large number of frozen Nanna's brand Mixed Berries, which have been linked to the Hepatitis A virus.

Mmmm poo berries. Source: ThinkStock

"On the one hand, I don't believe in the science that says that I should have got a vaccination for the hep A virus. On the other hand, I kind of wish I had," she said.

When asked whether she would serve the infected smoothies at the next meeting, the spokesperson said that on the one hand, she didn't believe the "science" that says that Hepatitis A had any link to flu-like symptoms, but on the other hand, she did have a bit of a fever, and might need to take a few days off.

Nanna's hep A berries still more preferable than visit to Nanna's

Nannas Berries: Still preferable than a trip to Nanna's. Source: News Corp Australia

A spokesperson for Nanna's Frozen Mixed Berries denied that the inclusion of a faeces-borne virus amounted to false advertising. "We never said what they were mixed with."

Turnbull admits spending most of this week practising 'humble face' in mirror

Meanwhile, after a commanding appearance on Monday night's Q&A, potential Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has admitted that he spent the rest of the week practising his "humble face" in front of the mirror.

Trying out for anything Malcolm? Source: News Corp Australia

Mr Turnbull said he realised that he needed a "simpler look" after conducting a Google image search on himself.

"I was sitting in bed, looking up pictures of myself — you know, just out of interest — and Lucy lent over and pointed out that some of those pictures might seem a little smug," he said.

"You know, only if you don't know me."

Smug? Turnbull? Source: News Limited

"I think the problem is that my teeth are so perfect. Which means if I want to connect with people who can't afford regular dental check-ups, I have to keep my mouth shut."

An Australian Bureau of Statistics survey of 1400 people who can't afford dental treatment confirmed that they preferred Malcolm Turnbull to keep his mouth shut.

But Mr Turnbull was adamant that keeping his mouth shut was not the solution. "With my mouth shut, my lips do this turny-up thing at each end that make me look like I'm not telling anyone what it is I'm smiling at," he said.

Mr Turnbull said that the breakthrough came on Thursday night, when his wife lent him a copy of Carl Jung's book The Undiscovered Self, and he realised there was a deeper connection between his countenance and subconscious.

"I was so obvious," Mr Turnbull told reporters. "I was like, er, derr.

"The key is that if I stop thinking about all the money I've got in my Goldman Sachs EasySaver account, my smugness instantly falls away, to be replaced by a sort-of lowly resigned-acceptance-at-my-undistinguished-life look that most people go around with."

Despite the smugness, Mr Turnbull's appearance on Q&A was a ratings blockbuster for the ABC.

Malcolm Turnbull: surprisingly easy to get on Q&A. Source: ABC

The show's presenter, Tony Jones, expressed surprise how easy it is to get Mr Turnbull to appear on the program. "Every time we raise it with Malcolm's staff, within about five seconds, Malcolm's calling us back personally, telling us he's cleared his schedule. He doesn't even ask for the free Cabcharges. He's great," Jones said.

The ratings win was sorely needed by the embattled broadcaster, who suffered devastating cuts to its budget at the hands of the Communications Minister, um, Malcolm Turnbull, late last year.

Mr Jones denied that having Mr Turnbull on the program was akin to inviting one's abuser back to try to make it work for one last time. "I think that Malcolm truly loves us, it was just there was a lot going on in his life late last year, and so he made a whole lot of cuts to us that he really, hand on his heart, regrets.

"And anyway, he's got this really cute smug look. I swear he's thinking about me when he smiles."

Tony Abbott vows to 'put phone in other room' before bedtime

Meanwhile, Mr Jones confirmed reports that Prime Minister Tony Abbott made "several calls" to the Q&A program during the week to see if there was "any chance" of getting on the program.

The revelation comes after Mr Abbott admitted he has been having trouble sleeping and, starting this weekend, he's decided to put his smartphone in another room to stop himself from glancing at it during the night.

Urgh! Damn phone. Source: News Limited

"You know, you get into bed, and Q&A is on, and you can't help but just open up Twitter to see what people are saying about you," the PM said.

"It just makes it very hard to get a good night's sleep. Especially when you know that every single friend and colleague you've ever had is actively working to take from you the only thing you've ever wanted," he said, adding that he wasn't paranoid, just realistic.

"So I decided, starting tonight, to put my phone on silent and charge it in the kitchen. That way, when I wake up in the night, I won't be tempted to open Twitter and see what Peter van Onselen has been quipping about me."

"Baffling": Movie about naughty sex tops box office

Meanwhile, Hollywood executives are scratching their heads in befuddlement this week, after box office results showed that a movie about naughty sex had topped the box office, raking in more than $90 million since Valentine's Day last weekend.

"Who knew," said one stunned executive. "Personally I thought that Selma, a gritty but depressing movie about the civil rights movement in the 1960s had a far more nuanced script than 50 Shades of Grey."

Fifty Shades of Grey a success? Who would have thought. Source: AP

"Nobody in Hollywood expected that audiences would go for a movie about forbidden desires, played by a cast of semi-naked hot men and women (NSFW). This came right out of the blue."

Married man hopes six-day-late Valentine's card 'will do'

Meanwhile, a Melbourne man in a loveless marriage has said that after six days of continuing grumpiness from the love of his life, he hopes that hastily drafted "Happy Late Valentine's Day" card he gave to her on Friday morning, just as she was rushing out the door for work, will finally make his wife less grumpy, and that hopefully this will enable him to watch the World Cup match on Saturday uninterrupted, even if it is just against Bangladesh.

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