Jess gets steamy with the Bachelor in a hot tub

Blake is fast approaching a normal amount of girlfriends. Three more to go. Source: Channel 10

REGULAR Jess became Steamy Jess, Louise's lacy knickers made a shock appearance, and everyone suddenly realised that one guy dating more than one girl is kind of awkward.

All that and more in tonight's Bachelor recap. Read on ...

Last night's recap

Sam spills on Blake's dates

GROUP SHENANIGANS

Osher enters the house with a radical proposal. There will be no dates tonight. Instead, all five women will travel to the Blue Mountains, where they will each get to spend some quality one-on-one time with Blake.

Come to think of it, that means there will be five solo dates. Osher Gunsberg, you disingenuous fox.

"I have news ladies: no more dates. Now, let's get you ready for your dates." Source: Channel 10

As the girls' fleet of red four-wheel-drives rolls into the mountains, much like the tanks of a nefarious, invading army, Blake tells the camera about his confusion.

"I wanted to fall in love with someone, but the reality is, I may be falling in love with more than one woman," Blake says. Gee, I wonder how that happened?

Osher returns to tell the women that next week, the four contestants still standing and pining will get to take Blake home to meet their families.

"Hi mum and dad, here's that guy I'm currently sharing with three other women on national television." Yeah, that won't be awkward at all.

"Have you heard the one about the chicken who absailed down a cliff?" Source: Channel 10

Before the dates commence, the final five have to go absailing. This involves a lot of screaming, then some nervous laughter, then some casual whingeing about Jess monopolising Blake again, then some regular laughter.

Louise is particularly reluctant to walk backwards off a cliff face — "f***ing nervous as hell," in her words — but she makes it down alive. Though apparently, she had some trouble keeping her pants on.

"I was more worried about the fact that my lacy knickers were showing than the fact that I was hanging off a cliff," she says. Louise's reward for overcoming her fear is the first solo date with Blake.

"Once we get married, there will be no more absailing." Source: Channel 10

LOUISE'S DATE

Appropriately, the most laid back of Blake's girlfriends lies back on the ground with him, as they enjoy a boozy picnic with a view of the mountains.

"When I'm with you, nothing else exists," Louise says. I'm pretty sure that's scientifically untrue, but you can see where she's going with it.

While we're nitpicking, I can't figure out why Louise pronounces the letter "r" like an American. Listen to the way she says words like "admire". Perhaps I missed something earlier ... or maybe she was trying to be erotic, but fell short, and now she's settled for being rhotic instead.

Actually, scratch that, because as the date ends, Louise jumps up and wraps her legs around Blake's waist. That's pretty erotic. Of course, she could just be addicted to absailing now — the bloke is pretty tall, which means he comes as close as anyone else to being a living, breathing, walking cliff face.

See? Totally erotic. Source: Channel 10

ZOE'S DATE

The next morning, Blake takes Zoe for a walk through the woods.

"I feel as though we are trying to deepen our relationship, but it needs to get past that liking each other stage," he says. Pretty sure that's code for: "I want her to wrap her legs around my waist."

For a brief moment, we get to witness some genuinely intriguing conversation, as Blake asks how Zoe's coping with the presence of his other girlfriends. She tells him it gets tougher as she becomes more emotionally invested, and she's "scared of opening up". Then we revert to the usual mushy madness.

"Guys like you only exist in rom coms," Zoe says. Wait, I thought this was a rom com. In what way is this not a rom com? She goes on to speak about her emotions and fears in great depth, but Blake isn't satisfied.

"I'm opening up to Zoe, and I just wish a little bit more, that she would open up to me," he whines. Apparently he didn't listen to a word she said.

Look, she's laughing. It's a rom com! Source: Channel 10

LISA'S DATE

The thing I love most about this show is the lack of obvious romantic cliches. So naturally, Lisa's horse riding date was right up my alley.

This time, Blake is annoyed by his girlfriend's sunny disposition and relentless sense of humour.

"She always seems to laugh everything away," he tells the camera. "She giggles at the end of everything she says, and I can't tell if she's absolutely being serious."

The two riders may be in love, but their horses definitely aren't, because Lisa's keeps trotting away from Blake's. Maybe it's the sensible one.

"For someone who dates 24 girls at once, you sure are nitpicky." Source: Channel 10

JESSICA'S DATE

As soon as Jess sees Blake, she jumps up and wraps her legs around him. Very original. After a quick massage, the pair jump into a hot tub.

"Whenever we're together, it's pretty steamy," he says. Ha! Steamy. Because they're in a hot tub. Get it? With witty lines like that, it's amazing that the guy hasn't fallen for himself and sent all the women home.

Jess climbs onto his lap like a succubus entrancing her prey, breaks into her characteristic husky murmur, and unleashes a fresh collection of soppy pseudo-poetry.

"The moment I first see you, my heart starts racing. Every time I'm near you, I get a little bit nervous. I want to be around you ... You make me feel things that I want to keep feeling," she says.

That's funny, because inside my head, I was thinking practically the same thing about Jess herself: "The moment I first see you, my heart turns to ice. Every time you're near my TV screen, I get a little bit nervous, I want you to go away ... You make me feel things that I never want to feel again."

Too harsh?

"Hey baby. Let's talk about accountancy." Source: Channel 10

"Fancy yet another back massage?" Source: Channel 10

SAM'S DATE

Blake is taking Sam out for High Tea, because last night's trip to the Tea Room went soooo well.

"She's growing with confidence and with that confidence she's opening up to me more, and that's what I'm here for," Blake says. Ever since Louise parted her legs to leap on the guy, he's been telling everyone to "open up". It's becoming a trend.

He's right about one thing — Sam is obviously feeling confident. In one particularly tense exchange, Blake asks her whether she loves him.

"Yes, I do, but it's so unstable that I'm too scared to invest completely in it," she responds.

"What would it take?" he asks.

"Umm, maybe sending four girls home."

Cop that, you promiscuous Bachelor man, you.

"Hey Blake, check out my magic TV screengrab finger." Source: Channel 10

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Blake cancels the cocktail party so he can stroll around outside the mansion all night with a pensive look on his face. Eventually, he's ready for the ceremony.

Louise got the first solo date of the episode, and she gets the first rose as well. That's nice and symmetrical.

"This is the most intense rose ceremony to date," Jess says. Whoa. Big call. We definitely haven't heard that before.

Blake gives the next rose to Sam.

"I wish I told him everything I was feeling," Zoe says, because obviously the one thing this show needs more of is people talking about their emotions.

"Go away, loyal subject, I'm posing for my royal portrait." Source: Channel 10

Rose number three is presented to Steamy Jess, who stands to the side and half winces, half smiles gloatingly at the two still-flowerless ladies, Zoe and Lisa.

The pained, pensive expression returns to Blake's face. The man clearly needs cheering up, and maybe that's why he gives the final rose to the woman who laughs too much. His plan goes awry, however, when Lisa celebrates her victory by crying.

"I've come a long way," Zoe says as the limo drives her away. "I'm proud of myself that I've come this far and can open up now."

If I hear one more person talk about "opening up", I may very well close down these recaps for good. Thank God — or as he's known on the Bachelor, Blake — there are six days until the next episode.

The Bachelor next screens at 7:30pm next Wednesday, on Network Ten. Stay tuned right after the show for our recap. In the meantime, you can find Sam on Twitter: @SamClench

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