Game of Thrones serves up two huge bombshells

Take a short and fun look behind the scenes of the cultural phenomenon that is 'Game of Thrones' with series co-creators David Benioff and Dan Weiss. Courtesy HBO/GameofThrones

Daenerys is hard to spell, let alone say. No wonder no one can remember any names on this show. Source: Supplied

SPOILER ALERT. This article discusses major plot points from Game of Thrones episode five. If you haven't caught up yet, stop reading now.

We certainly learned a lot this week.

For a start, Littlefinger has been orchestrating more schemes and plots (yes, I know Tyrion, they're the same thing) than anyone imagined. It turns out he was behind the murder of Robert Baratheon's Hand, Jon Arryn, at the start of season one. Back then, we were led to believe Cersei and Jaime were responsible.

Of course, if Jon Arryn hadn't been killed, Ned Stark would never have travelled to King's Landing. So you could say Littlefinger set the entire series in motion.

That's not all. Apparently, goatee man has been secretly "married" to Lysa Arryn for years, and she's the one who actually poisoned Jon, at his behest. Wow. My head's spinning. Littlefinger is playing a very long game here, and I have no idea what his next move will be.

Meanwhile, back in King's Landing, Tywin dropped another bombshell. The Lannisters, who used some rather industrious gold mines to make themselves the wealthiest family in Westeros, are in big financial trouble. The gold is gone. The mines haven't produced a gram of it in three years.

In the meantime, the Crown has been borrowing heavily from the Iron Bank of Braavos, and without any more gold it will struggle to repay its debts. That explains Tywin's desperation to bring the Tyrells into the fold - as the other super-rich family in Westeros, their money could keep the debtors at bay.

Remember, Ser Davos started writing a letter to the Iron Bank on Stannis's behalf a few weeks ago. If Tywin can't pay, it might decide to bankroll Stannis's claim to the throne.

So, there's quite a bit going on. Let's get to the good stuff.

REMINDER: We're discussing the TV show here. If you've read the books, that's fantastic, but keep any earth-shattering spoilers to yourself or I'll tell Lysa you slept with Littlefinger. You don't want that.

Tommen seems less tyrannical than Joffrey. For now. Source: Supplied

Key points

•Tommen was officially crowned, leading his mother to say he could be the first king in 50 years who actually deserves to sit on the spikiest of chairs. Cersei also caught Margaery going all googly-eyed at Tommen from across the throne room, but she dispensed with the usual murderous threats and decided to have a civilised conversation instead. Fancy that. She was even honest about Joffrey. "He would have been your nightmare," she told Margaery. "You knew exactly what he was. I did too." Cersei went on to endorse Margaery as Tommen's future wife, telling her the kid will "need help if he is to rule well." I'm not sure where the real Cersei was in this scene. Locked in a cupboard maybe.

Cersei will stop at nothing, we tell you. Source: Supplied

•Across the Narrow Sea, Daenerys learned of Joffrey's death. She asked her advisors whether her current force would be sufficient to take King's Landing, and they ... advised. But Dany abandoned all thoughts of conquest upon learning that Yunkai and Astapor, the two slaver cities she liberated last season, had fallen back into chaos. "How can I rule seven kingdoms if I can't control Slaver's Bay? Why should anyone trust me? Why should anyone follow me?" she asked. As a frequent critic of Dany, I loved this scene. It was the first time she'd shown any patience or humility in quite a while. Respect level up.

•Bonus points to Daario for one of the episode's better lines. When Dany asked the scoundrel why he "liberated" Meereen's navy without her permission, he replied, "I heard you like ships." That'll do.

•Littlefinger and Sansa arrived at the Eyrie, where they met Lysa and Robin, whom we hadn't seen since season one. Those two are still bonkers, but at least there was no breastfeeding this time. Sansa bristled when Lysa started to slag off Tyrion, suggesting she does have some affection for her husband after all.

•Then the episode's first bombshell dropped. Littlefinger and Lysa had been secretly "married" for years, and Lysa was the one who poisoned Jon Arryn ... at Littlefinger's behest, of course. Lysa seems to be very fond of Littlefinger (to the point of extreme jealousy), and even more fond of his talents in bed. Who knew he was such a beast?

•Tywin used to hate something very specific about King Robert. "He used to pat me on the back a lot. I didn't trust him," he said. So, there you have it. The guy doesn't like back pats. Anyway, he told Cersei that the famous Lannister mines are out of gold, which could make things awkward when the Iron Bank of Braavos decides to recall its debts. Now we know why Tywin's so desperate to get into bed with Westeros' "second-richest family", the Tyrells.

•Cersei visited Tywin and Oberyn, both of whom will be judges in Tyrion's trial, to get them onside. In Oberyn's case, she did this by bonding over the whole "being a parent" thing. As you might imagine, he has a lot of children. Cersei made it obvious how deeply she cares for her daughter, Myrcella, and the conversation with Oberyn humanised her.

•There are now two great odd couples in Westeros. Arya cast her mind back to her old "dance master", Syrio Forel, as she practiced her swordplay alongside a scowling Hound. Meanwhile, Brienne and Podrick got to know each other a bit better, with Pod telling her about the time he poked a spear through a Kingsguard's head to save Tyrion's life. What a badass.

Let it Snow, let it Snow, let it Snow. Source: Supplied

•Finally, north of the Wall, creepy Karl was preparing to do something horrible to Meera when Jon began his assault on Craster's Keep. That was timely. In the ensuing chaos, Locke tried to drag Bran off into the woods, but the little Lord assumed control of Hodor's body and used it to snap the guy's neck. Hopefully, as a gentle giant, Hodor won't be traumatised by that experience.

•Bran and his companions crept away from the Keep as Jon confronted Karl. With some help from one of Craster's wives, he killed the creep, then set fire to the building. I have to say, Jon has become an impressive leader. He's nothing like that mopey lad from the first couple of seasons anymore.

Best one-liner

Littlefinger gave Sansa a history lesson as they approached the Eyrie's Bloody Gate. He told her that the pass leading to the gate forces would-be conquerers into a narrow formation, three men abreast, so they can be slaughtered easily.

"Know your strengths, use them wisely, and one man can be worth 10,000," Littlefinger said.

He was being more than a little self-referential (Mr Humble clearly thinks he's worth about 10,000 regular folk), but it must be said, Littlefinger's dose of unimpeachable wisdom is becoming a weekly event.

Best Tywannical glare

Jojen gave creepy Karl a fair glare when he threatened to rape Meera. Even better, the world's best bro followed it up by telling Karl he was about to die, and his body was going to be burned. I think the most unnerving character in Game of Thrones may have been unnerved himself, and that's quite a feat.

Nipple count

I don't remember any. Maybe I missed some? Have to say though, as a general trend, there have been less sex scenes than usual this season. We're far too busy to waste time on such smut.

Ode to Hodor. Source: Supplied

"Hodor" count

Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor Hodor. Count 'em up, and there were 23 Hodors, each dispensed in some state of panic. This was easily the most Hodorific episode yet.

Least appropriate sexual tension

I always liked to imagine that Littlefinger and Lysa were wearing chastity belts. It was the silly, naive fantasy of someone who had never heard Lysa say, "I'm going to scream so loud they'll hear me across the narrow sea."

That sounded like a figure of speech at first, but then we actually heard her do it. Sansa was creeped out, and I imagine Dany was too.

Most disgusting moment

It's hard to go past Jon pushing his sword through the back of Karl's skull and out his mouth. We haven't had a moment that graphic since the Red Wedding.

Most Sansastically irritating character

Karl. Thankfully he's dead now, but before his gloriously gory demise he managed to utter such unsettling lines as, "You like it rough, don't you? You like it in the gutter," and "Have you seen what I'm going to do to your sister?"

I think he was even worse than Ramsay. And we all know what Ramsay likes to do in his spare time. I'll never look at a barbecued sausage the same way again.

Burning questions

•Will Cersei's attempts to butter up the judges in Tyrion's trial be successful?

•What will Daenerys do about Yunkai and Astapor? Are all her victories about to unravel?

•What in R'hllor's name does Littlefinger have planned now? His story gets less predictable every week.

•When will Brienne and Podrick get their own spin-off?

What did you think of episode five? Comment below (no spoilers please), or talk to us on Twitter: @SamClench | @newscomauHQ

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