Jackie Gillies, Chyka Keebaugh, Lydia Schiavello and Gina Liano at yesterday's pre-Logies Crown party. Picture: Julie Kiriacoudis Source: News Corp Australia
HERE we are folks, The Real Housewives of Melbourne season finale. Can you remember what life was like 10 weeks ago, before 'Shine Shine Shine', 'Warw', Andrea's endless lists and Gina's general fabulousness? Neither can we.
Our finale kicks off with Jackie and Ben, who are holding an audition for burlesque dancers to perform at their La Mascara launch party.
"As our guests are rolling in, I almost want youse to envision you're a drink that everyone wants to drink," Jackie tells the assembled dancers. They laugh nervously, unsure if this means they'll be expected to exchange fluids with guests.
From there, we're treated to a five-minute medley of the burlesque dancers strutting their stuff. We say 'treated', but given RHOM's audience is almost entirely comprised of women and gay men, these ladies could be playing to the wrong crowd.
Either way, Jackie's loving it.
Jackie's drinking face, we'll miss you most of all. Source: Foxtel
"When you're getting your rig out, the breasts, the butt … they owned it, but in a very tasteful way," Jackie says, as the camera cuts to one dancer bent over with a tassel on each naked gyrating bum cheek, rotating in different directions. But in a very tasteful way.
Also available for weddings and funerals. Source: Foxtel
Next up, Lydia's at an Armadale cafe to catch up with Andrea, who totters up the street looking more like Edina Monsoon than ever before. The camera cuts to Lydia's dog Figaro, who gives us a worried look.
Andrea heads to the open audition for Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie. Source: Foxtel
The pair sit silently in a cafe, Lydia with phone in hand, when Gina suddenly calls. What a not-at-all-pre-organised surprise! She wants to invite Lydia to her 'Girl's Night In' to raise money for a cancer charity, but Lydia's not interested in coming.
Gina explains that the event marks her 10-year cancer survival anniversary and she'll be talking about some pretty raw, personal stuff.
Lydia makes this face:
Sure, it's a horrible reaction to have when a friend talks about their cancer battle, but you have to admire Lydia for being able to move both eyes independently of one another like that. Source: Foxtel
"Having cancer is a really serious thing. I don't think Lydia understands the significance of what I'm doing, but then, I don't know how much Lydia understands full stop, quite frankly," Gina says in an aside to camera.
"I really don't care, Gina," Lydia says, in her aside to camera. Lydia Schiavello: National Sweetheart.
After holding the phone away from her ear and giving the international 'Will this ever guy shut up' hand symbol to Andrea, Lydia wraps things up:
"Alright, I'd better scoot. I hope you raise lots of money for all the cancer …. people that really need it. Alright, take care [Hangs up]."
Andrea explains why she and Lydia persist in treating Gina so poorly.
"Lydia and I are not going to back down until Gina apologises. We're not giving up. She answers to us."
In fact, she doesn't.
Still with Andrea and Lydia, next we drop in on the photo shoot for Andrea's book cover. The photographer asks her to give her some of her best looks. "How about this one? I saw Tina Fey doing it," she says. It's ... not exactly a winner:
Tina Fey, is that you? Source: Foxtel
The photographer tries to elicit more quality shots from Andrea. "Give me an angry look," she asks.
"I have to get into that mind frame … does anyone have a photo of Gina?"
The photographer laughs half-heartedly, clearly having no idea what Andrea's talking about.
Lydia crashes the shoot, bottle of grog in hand. The poor photographer then has to stand around while Andrea and Lydia drink champagne and start impersonating the other Housewives.
"Gina is a pissing racehorse," Lydia announces.
That evening, the other ladies head to Gina's 'Girls Night In'. It's part support group, part Tupperware party, as Gina mixes stories about darkest days going through chemo with information about products she plans to release.
You see, Gina's writing a book about her cancer journey. We now have books in the works from three of the Real Housewives of Melbourne and not ONE hot dance single? Ladies, pick it up.
Can't see Gina's soap? Hint: it's the only non-pink thing in the room. Source: Foxtel
Gina announces she's also going to release her own range of soaps. Jackie thinks it's incredibly distasteful for someone to use their standing on the show to launch a product — she certainly wouldn't dream of it (cough — La Mascara — cough).
"What else is next? Good luck to her, but you're not Kim Kardashian," she fumes.
Never mind, as Jackie's got her own issues. After Gina's launch, she and Ben get back to busily preparing for the La Mascara launch. They've organised some masks for guests to wear — and Jackie looks slightly ... unhinged in hers.
Celine Dion's one-woman production of Eyes Wide Shut, now playing at the MGM Grand Las Vegas. Source: Foxtel
Now, the moment we've all been waiting for: GIRLFIGHT. Jackie and Andrea meet up in South Yarra restaurant Bacash for their first proper conversation since that awful (read: kind of incredible) dinner at Mission Beach back in episode seven.
Straight up, Andrea demands an apology from Gina for calling her "the slang word for female external genitalia".
Straight up, Gina says she doesn't recall saying it, but will happily apologise if any offence was caused.
"It's not a genuine apology. You're not apologising," Andrea fumes.
Andrea then produces a 'Gina checklist': an A4 printout listing all her problems with Gina. Oh Andrea no. Put your sad little piece of paper away.
"Gina, my problems with you: Milk, bread, Toilet Duck ... Oh bloody hell I brought the wrong list" Source: Foxtel
Andrea barely gets to run through her checklist before Gina shuts her down.
"I'll tell you why you want me to (apologise)? You're trying to validate your poor behaviour."
Then, Gina finally says what this writer has been thinking since day one.
Exasperated at Andrea demanding an apology for that c-bomb once more, she tells her, "Swearing doesn't matter!"
Is anyone else with us on this? This is Australia, if you're going to get mortally offended every time your hear someone drop the c-bomb you'd never leave the house.
Andrea starts to raise her voice, and it's not a good look: "I have everything! I have everything and I've worked very hard for it! I have everything because I'm happy!"
"Maybe you should try to be a bit more gracious," Gina suggests.
"I heard you're doing a soap range. Is that so you can wash your mouth out?"
You can tell Andrea's been holding onto that one for a while, and she looks pretty pleased with herself. But in an instant, Gina ups the ante:
"Mmm. I don't know, maybe Lydia can wash her vagina with it."
Andrea's face says it all:
*stunned silence* Source: Foxtel
ANDREA YOU JUST GOT SERVED.
Gina turns the tables, demanding an apology from Andrea: "All you do is talk about me — you talk about me when I'm there, you talk about me when I'm not there."
They both decide to leave at once, which is terribly awkward and doesn't really work, so Andrea sits back down. Here's Gina's stunning monologue in full, delivered as she storms out of the restaurant:
"F**k off, you idiot. And when you get home, why don't you get your husband to review your medication, 'cos clearly your testosterone level needs to come down, and everything else needs to come up. Good luck with your deck of cards for your life, cos that's all you've got is a deck of cards that are about to topple. F***ing moron."
Sure, the deck of cards analogy is a bit clumsy, but we'll forgive it because we were so distracted by the poor, unassuming girl sat behind Gina as she delivered it. Look at this girl's face. She is amazing.
"What's all this about?" Source: Foxtel
"Damn girl you angry" Source: Foxtel
"I'M GONNA BE ON TELLY" Source: Foxtel
Climactic bitchfight over, it's time for the La Mascara launch party. Jackie's in the limo with her adorable mum Svetlana. Svetlana does what any reasonable person would do when trapped in a limo with two of the Real Housewives: she sculls champagne with a vaguely terrified look on her face.
We feel you, Svetlana. Source: Foxtel
As Gina arrives at the launch, Lydia announces her to the other ladies: "The pissing racehorse! Oh yuck."
The Housewives all have a great time at the party. Janet loves the entertainment Jackie and Ben hired: "Holy s**t, the burlesque dancers! They all had bums everywhere!" They had bums EVERYWHERE?
Meanwhile, Jackie tackles the launch with her usual humility. "Here I was, standing around in front of a miracle that I created." Has someone alerted the Vatican?
As the night wears on, the girls gather in a corner to rehash all the season's arguments one last time (before next week's reunion show, that is).
Shouting over the top of each other for old time's sake. Source: Foxtel
Perhaps they've all had one too many La Mascaras, because as they rake over the dramas of the season — who said what to whom — they're all laughing. There's a lightness to their moods that suggests maybe, just maybe, they realise none of the arguments of the past 10 weeks actually matter very much at all.
Everyone, of course, except Andrea, who's still waiting on her apology from Gina.
"I want an apology, I deserve an apology — my goal is to get 10 apologies from Gina, one for each time she's offended me."
As the night wears on, the Housewives each get their own little end-of-season sign-off — and it seems the show's producers share our love of Jackie's unusual facial expressions:
Keep shinin', Jackie. Source: Foxtel
When Gina gets up to leave the party, her farewell to the other Housewives suggests she's probably not planning on catching up with many of them once the cameras stop rolling.
"See ya," she shrugs.
In a piece to camera, Gina gets the last word of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, season one:
"All I can say is: karma's a bitch and she knows where you live."
Stay tuned next Sunday, when we'll bring you our verdict on the first of two special Real Housewives reunion episodes.
Previous Housewives recaps:
The ultimate Real Housewives drinking game
Episode 9: Gina bites back
Episode 8: 'She's a poor ugly dog'
Episode 7: Legal threats and helicopter sex
Episode 6: Everybody Hates Gina
Episode 5: Meeting in the ladies room
Episode 4: One-night stands and drunk ski trips
Episode 3: Girls gone wild
Episode 2: Angels and demons
Episode 1: In their own words
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